Written by AdobongLamok
I met her in a chat site. I saw a new name in the list, welcomed her sa main chat room but she did not respond. I sent her a “Hi!” in PM, she responded with a “:)”.
I followed with a “What brought you here?”, hanggang sa nauwi na sa isang conversation until she said “Goodbye for now.”.
It was just a short chat. Wala pang 30 minutes. More on how she got to the site lang yung pinag-usapan namin. We didn’t even ask our personal details like real name, age or location. The usual Q’s sa ganung place. Pero tumatak yun sakin. I don’t know why pero di na sya nawala sa isip ko after we talked.
The following day, I was expecting for her. I waited. Pero wala. The next day after that, wala pa rin. Then on the 3rd day, just when I was starting to forget about her, I saw the familiar name again.
Me: You’re back
Her: 🙂
Me: How are you?
Her: Fine
Her: You?
Me: Ok na rin.
Me: Nakausap na kasi kita ulit
Her: Haha
Me: Bakit ngayon ka lang?
Her: Umalis kami nung weekend kaya di ako naka OL
Me: I mean bakit ngayon ka lang dumating sa buhay ko?
Her: Haha
And it lead to hours of talk. Masarap kasi syang kausap. Hindi nakakabagot, hindi ko na kailangan mag-isip pa ng sasabihin. I can say whatever I want to say without worrying na baka ma-offend sya, ma-turnoff, or mawalan ng gana.
She just laughs at my jokes and punchlines, gets interested with my stories and even debates with me pag meron akong sinabing di sya agree.
She was the perfect chatmate.
For the next couple of days, sya lang halos yung kausap ko sa site na yun. Umabot na rin kami sa YM kasi ayaw namin maistorbo ng ibang chatters from that site.
Until time came na hindi na kami kuntento sa limited time namin sa chat site. Gusto namin na nagkakausap pa rin kami kahit hindi kami online.
Her: It’s late na, I need to log out
Me: Oo nga. Ambilis ng oras.
Her: So bukas nalang ulit?
Me: I don’t know kung aabutin ako ng bukas ng wala ka
Her: Haha. OA ka
Me: I’m really going to miss you
Her: Me too
Me: Text nalang kita?
Her: Sige 🙂
Then she gave me her number.
And it was a start of a deeper “relationship”. Almost every minute kami nagpapadala ng text messages to each other. Mas alam pa namin yung ginagawa ng isa’t-isa kesa sa mga taong nakapaligid samin.
Then one night, we were chatting both in the chat site and in YM nang maisipan kong tawagan sya.
Her phone rang 8 times before she answered. She said “Hello”.
It was the first time that I heard her voice. Then I answered with “Hi”. She asked why I called, I just said I wanna hear her voice.
Then silence…
Something caught my ears before hearing her voice again, “Anjan ka pa?”.
“Yes” I replied.
“Bakit natahimik ka?” she asked.
“Pinapakinggan ko lang yung music mo.” I answered.
Then I heard her giggle.
For the first time again…
“Ok. Makinig ka lang jan. May tatapusin lang ako.”
“Ok.” I said.
And for minutes, I just listened to the songs she’s playing…
They were all old songs…
It became our habit. Tatawagan ko sya through YM or phone, we would talk for a few minutes, then we’ll both listen to her playlist that was made up entirely of old songs.
I really don’t like old songs before that.
They make me feel old. Parang baduy ang dating for someone like me.
But the thought of us listening to the same music together, coming from the same player makes me feel so close to her.
It gave me a certain satisfaction. Gave me comfort. I guess I’m starting to fall for her.
Or I already did.
I don’t know.
Basta masaya ako whenever we’re “together”. And I can feel na ganun din sya.
We were “virtually” inseparable.
Then one day I asked her out. I wanted to meet her. I wanted to really be with her but she declined.
I didn’t ask why.
Ayokong maging cause pa yun ng uneasiness nya sakin.
We went on with that routine for a couple of months more. Until one day, I asked her out again.
Then she finally said yes.
Tuwang tuwa ako nun. Di halos ako nakatulog sa sobrang excitement at kaba. Maraming ring tumakbo sa isip ko. Maraming “What if’s”.
But I set them all aside.
We would meet in a weeks’ time.
Lalong naging madalas yung pagtawag ko sa kanya nun.
A few days before our date, may napansin akong iba sa kanya. It was the songs she’s listening to. Hindi na sya old songs. They were new ones. Yung mga current song from current artists na maririnig mong pinapatugtog sa FM radio at mapapanood sa MTV.
I asked her why she changed her playlist, and she said she just wanted a change.
Then came the day. I was half an hour early in our meeting place which was a restaurant in a mall.
Bawat pumasok sa pinto tinitingnan kong mabuti. While rehearsing what to say in my mind.
Then someone caught my eye on the other side of the glass panel. It was a young lady seated on a wheelchair. With an older lady pushing behind her.
Dire-direcho sila sa pinto ng resto. A staff opened the door and greeted them. They stopped as soon as they were inside. Then palingon-lingon sila as if they were looking for someone.
I knew right then and there that it was her.
But my feet and legs don’t seem to have the strength to stand up and approach her.
Parang biglang nawala lahat ng nararamdaman kong excitement na makilala at makasama sya. Ewan ko. I felt so disappointed.
Then I saw her took out her phone. Dialled then put it on her ear and waited.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. It’s always in vibrate mode kasi ayokong nakakuha ng attention pag merong tumatawag or nagtetext.
I just let it ring. Then the vibrating stopped. And I saw her dial again and the vibrating started again. After a couple of calls, she put her phone back in her bag then she looked around again. Our eyes met when she looked my way. Parang napaso ako so I looked in another direction.
I can feel her just staring at me for a good while.
I think she already also know it was me.
Then nung pakiramdam ko na hindi na sya nakatingin sakin, I slowly turned my head to her direction.
I saw them leaving the resto.
Di ko alam kung anong nararamdaman ko that time. I felt disappointed, pero there was also guilt. I felt so guilty to the point of hating myself a little.
Gusto ko syang habulin at magpakilala pero wala pa ring lakas yung mga paa ko. Hanggang sa mawala na sila. I stood up and left the resto.
When I got home, dumirecho lang ako sa kwarto ko at humiga sa kama. Nakatitig sa kisame, trying to think of an explanation on why I acted that way. Pero wala akong ibang maisip kundi naduwag ako. I was expecting something else at nung hindi ganun yung nakita ko, nawalan na ko ng gana. Ganun lang kasimple. I was a jerk. I pulled out my phone expecting a text message from her, pero wala. Just the 6 missed calls earlier in the resto.
I stood up, sat in front of the PC, then just stared at the monitor for a couple of minutes.
Then I turned it on, typed the chat site, looked for her name but I found none.
I logged into YM but she’s not there too.
So I just sat there, staring at the screen, waiting for her to go online. But she didn’t come. No sign of her. I grabbed my phone and dialled her number. It was ringing pero di sya sumasagot. I dialled a few more times pero di pa rin nya sinasagot. Wala akong magawa but to wait for her.
I woke up still sitting on the computer chair the next morning. The PC still on. Nakatulog na pala ko sa kakahintay sa kanya. I checked the PC right away, hoping she’s already there or have left a message for me. But there was still nothing.
I went to work with that guilty feeling.
Hanggang pag-uwi ko ganun pa rin ang pakiramdam ko.
When I logged on, I felt glad seeing her name in the list of online users.
Pero saglit lang yung naramdaman ko na yun.
May naramdaman agad akong takot.
The guilt came back at may hesitation din.
I don’t know how to approach her. I don’t know what to say.
Then I received a PM from her.
Her: Ang daya mo. Wala ka dun kahapon.
I don’t know what to say.
Her: Ok lang yun. Di rin naman ako nagtagal dun kasi tinawagan ako ng tita ko.
Dun lang ako nagkalakas ng loob na sumagot.
Me: I’m sorry, nagkaron kasi ng emergency meeting sa work.
Her: Ganun ba? Kaya pala di mo sinasagot yung calls ko.
Me: Ganun nga. Halos abutin nga kami ng midnight sa office eh. Sensya na talaga.
Her: Ok lang nga. 🙂
I felt relieved that time.
I thought nakilala nya na ako yung lalaki sa resto pero di naman pala.
I was worrying myself for nothing.
We went back to our usual habits and routines. Na unti-unting nababawasan. I guess dahil nawala na rin yung interest ko sa kanya. Hanggang sa dumalang na lang.
Hanggang sa halos di na kami nag-uusap.
Nawala na rin yung pagtawag ko sa kanya.
Until one day, di ko na sya nakikitang online.
Di naman ako nagtaka.
Di ko na rin sya hinanap.
I went on with my life. A life na hindi na sya kasama. I stopped visiting the site where I met her. Pati yung YM account ko na gamit when chatting with her, di ko na rin na-log in.
Then one time, sa paghahanap ko ng isang file na kailangan sa work, inisa-isa ko yung mga email accounts ko.
When I opened the email of that YM account I used for her, I saw an unopened email from her. It was dated 4 months ago.
And attached with it were MP3 files of the old songs she used to play when I call her.
Then there was a letter…
“Hi. With this I attached the songs we used to listen to. Sana pakinggan mo pa rin sila paminsan-minsan.
You know why I love to listen to those old songs?
Kasi they bring me back to my childhood. They were the songs my dad used to play in our house. During the time na normal pa ko. The time na wala pa sakin tong sakit na to.
I know you saw me in the restaurant that day. I know it was you. And I also believe that you knew it was me.
But I can’t blame you if you lost interest. You saw me in that chair. I wasn’t the girl you expected. I am sick. I have a sickness that took everything away from me. A sickness that made me lose hope and also the will to look forward to tomorrow.
That’s why puro old songs lang pinapakinggan ko.
I hated the present and doesn’t look forward or even care about the future.
‘Coz I have none.
All that I have is the past. That’s why kahit sa songs man lang na pinakikinggan ko, maibalik ko yun.
But when you came, everything changed. I loved every single second eversince I met you. That’s why I started listening to new songs. ‘Coz you taught me how to love the present and long for tomorrow.
And I thank you for that. Thanks for coming into my life and making me appreciate its beauty. 🙂 ”
I don’t know what to think after reading her letter.
I just felt tears flowing down my cheeks.
And eversince that day, I listened to no other song but those old songs she gave me. Wishing I could go back to the time when we were still both listening to them.
P.S.
I tried to look for her. But I don’t know where to start. I tried calling her number but it’s no longer active. I don’t know where she is now or how she does. I’ve already lost her.
All that I have left with me are these old songs, her letter, and the memory of her sitting on that chair.
Kalahating ulo ng pinitpit na bawang
Isang katamtamang sibuyas na hiniwa pahaba
Kalahating kutsaritang pamintang buo
Tatlong dahon ng laurel
Kalahating tasang toyo
Kalahating tasang suka
Isang kutsarang asukal na pula (opsyonal)
Siling labuyo (opsyonal)
Pagsamahin lahat ng sangkap sa isang kaserola o kawali. Pakuluan hanggang maluto ang lamok at lumapot ang sabaw.
Pwede rin lutuin hanggang matuyo ang sabaw.
Signature Text:
Fffzzzzzzzzzzz.. ffzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
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